Casting “Anger Anonymous”

Casting L.A.-based talent in an unpaid, unmade commercial. Synopsis: A man with extreme anger-management issues attempts to remain calm while driving home surrounded by typical freeway drivers. Characters being cast are:

Anti-Gravity Activist: Immediately hits the brakes whenever there’s any kind of a decline.

Basic Maneuver-heimer’s: Leaves the turn signal on indefinitely after changing lanes.

Brain-Damaged Linebacker: Blocks you from merging onto the freeway by not moving out of the far-right lane when your onramp ends.

Capital Punishment: Drives with no insurance and benefits from de facto immunity when causing accidents.

Clueless Kamikaze: Accelerates up the onramp in front of you to only 20 or 30 mph, putting you in a merging lane at that speed.

Crash-Test Dummy: Texts or watches TV on a phone while driving.

Dave “Anger Monkey” Buznick: Normally a very easygoing guy, quickly provoked to fiery rage fits when dealing with freeway drivers.

Final Destination: Drives with large items precariously tied loosely onto the vehicle’s roof or truck bed.

Firing Squad: Series of belly-dump trucks carrying gravel (that invariably slips through the doors, ricochets off the road and hits your car).

Fussball Team: Row of drivers going the same speed (usually a slow one) in every lane.

Grim Reaper: Highway patrol car, there to snatch up anyone but the driver you know deserves it.

Idiot’s Vendetta: Drives slowly in front of you, then speeds up and won’t let you pass when you try to go around.

Ignorant Arsonist: Throws a lighted cigarette out of the window into the dry brush.

Li’l Dictator: Tailgates drivers instead of going around them.

Oblivious Ninja: Sneaks into your blind spot right before you’re about to make a lane change (rather than reading the terrain and/or seeing your turn signal).

Peekaboo Roulette: Driver bent over looking for something, not anywhere close to looking at the road.

Physics 101 Dropout: Doesn’t increase the gas when going uphill.

Pigpen on Wheels: Vehicle emitting a thick cloud of exhaust (typically from after-market mods made to cars that have no business having a spoiler).

Pompous Diva: Doesn’t move over for faster drivers to let them pass.

Puzzling Riddler: Tailgates you, then falls behind, then tailgates you again, then falls behind again and repeats this sequence for miles and miles.

Quaalude Pride: Drives slowly in the fast lane.

Schoolyard Bully: Drives a large vehicle (usually a truck of some kind) and is very careless around drivers of comparably smaller vehicles.

Shameless Burglar: Chisels into the front of a long line of slow-and-go cars waiting to exit or change freeways.

Shock-Wave Party: Mass spontaneous slowing of all vehicles when a highway patrol car is spotted.

Slithering Sidewinder: Swerves halfway into and out of multiple lanes when traveling in an otherwise straight line.

Spritz Witch: Uses wiper fluid to clean the windshield while driving at full speed on the freeway, leaving a mess on the windshield of the car in back.

Strobe Light: Hits the brakes repeatedly for no discernible reason.